cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
well I can't set my house on fire every night
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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