I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
