Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
