If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
