Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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