She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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