I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
