I don't usually arrange sex via text message
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
