if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
