It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
