I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You made out with two different species that night
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
