So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I made him laugh his dick is mine
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