Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
