so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
