Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
My dick has a subreddit
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
