i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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