I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
3 2 1 whiskey
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
