I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
