So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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