My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
