Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
