I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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