So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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