One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
