You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
you had me at cake vodka
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
