this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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