He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
