Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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