Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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