it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
