Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Are we still banned from the library?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
