Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
