Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
