i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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