great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
