She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
