I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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