it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
