Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
