We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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