get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Two words: blizzard sex
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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