Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
