i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
