Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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