Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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