My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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