ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
