how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Ladies don't puke and tell
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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