you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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