Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
