My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
