My friends, they love my intelligence
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
