I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
