He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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